What does liberation look like?
simply doing me.
Through the mess of trying to “figure it out” and decolonize myself as much as possible, things got complicated (at least in my mind and in my writing). In my journey to document and describe what I’m thinking and experiencing, I’ve tried to intellectualize the story way too much. But getting messy and complicated is part of learning and growing… only to find answers and revelations that are very simple.
The other day, I was sitting on the toilet and realized I, I look like liberation. Liberation looks like me. I am a living breathing example of being a human and I am trying to be an example of a liberated human. Toilets, showers, cars, kitchen doing the dishes… all great mindful moment spaces.
The latest question I’ve been getting from folks is, “but what are you doing?” when we’re catching up and/or they’re learning I’m not working a traditional job (and I don’t have a house and husband and kids and a dog and…). It has been an interesting exploration of how to answer and how my reaction to this question reveals either remnants of colonial conditioning or successful reprogramming (do I get anxious and defensive when they ask and I give them some scripted colonizer-approved answer, or do I let them sit with the discomfort of my non-answer or the true answer “I’m doing me”). It’s also an interesting exploration of who is genuinely curious, who gets it, and who is still deeply indoctrinated in colonialism and confused by my “lifestyle choices.” (What are you actually doing? What could you possibly be doing with your time? How are you proving your worth and existence if you’re not producing in this white supremacist way?)
This blog is a space for sharing who I am and what I’m doing. An exchange of knowledge and possibilities, as I explore what it means to be me, a normal* human being, trying to cut away from the old paradigm and empires of colonization. I’d say at best; I’m a bridge between colonization and liberation. I don’t know that full liberation will be possible in my lifetime. We’re still gaslighting ourselves into thinking our nervous systems should be regulated at a time like this… no, I suspect our nervous systems are trying to tell us something about ourselves, about our society, and we should listen.
*I say “normal” human because I realized I’ve been carrying this conditioned belief that I need to be more or better than normal, I need to be extraordinary, change the world, etc. (maybe that’s a millennial-specific thing). Normal defined as just being me, as I am, surviving. I came across this horoscope the other day that has been running in my head every day since, a sort of mantra: “You don’t have to perform to prove you’re worthy of love, attention, or success. Take pressure off and ask yourself: ‘What would it feel like to be seen without needing to be spectacular?’” Another part of it read, “Let your body lead for once. What does it need to feel supported… The future will wait. For now, you’re being called to simplify, soften, and make your daily life a safer space to land.” Permission to just be normal, to just survive, live your life through your body and try to be safe, because that’s really all that’s required. We are still just animals trying to survive in the wild.
Anyway, as normally as I can, I want to be an active evolving living breathing example of liberation. Just an example because it’s not going to look the same from person to person. There’s a million+ different ways to live life, and you’ll show up very differently from moment to moment - life and conditions are ever-changing (especially if you’re a woman experiencing the luxuriously extended rollercoaster of physical, hormonal changes). There are a million+ different expressions of yourself, but “only one you” as they say. I don’t believe you can “fake it ‘til you make it,” but commit to you, commit to your rest, commit to your truth and feeling, commit to self-love, commit to your weirdness, commit to your own power and confidence - no one can exude you, like you (and sidenote: commit to community). You don’t need to fake it ‘til you make it. You have made it. You are here. What are you doing with your time and energy, your gifts, right now is what is important - how are you presently being yourself. “Making it,” manifesting your dreams and liberating yourself happens right now and it involves nothing but the truest, most embodied action and present version of you.
Writing and speaking words in great length or frequency and doing it well, is actually quite challenging for me. I have a tendency to do things that are challenging, or even paradoxical to who I am/how I’m perceived (how is it that I played and coached tennis and am also a Formula 1 fan… 2 of the whitest richest most exclusive sports on earth?). It brings me ego deaths on a regular basis - to be curious or passionate about something that you’re not very good at or doesn’t fit the label/stereotype the world has given you. And to do it or be about it publicly is a good way to stay humble. Those of you who have read my posts and waded through the rambling exploration and confusion, thank you, you have been witness to one of my more vulnerable practices. But one thing I am naturally good at is presence. Energetic presence, physical presence, intuiting needs and service, connection and efficiency in practice. Leading by example, by just doing me, feels like one of the more powerful tools in my belt. I’ve been struggling with writing on here lately, because it just isn’t feeling right. For the last year and a half this blog was an intentional challenge and a creative way to document life and all the big questions as I embark on my own personal liberation journey, my “I’m laying down my armor and weapons and I’m going forward undefended into the unknown,” journey. I expected my writing to be messy and nonsensical, which it has been. But now, well, in the last 6 months or so, I sensed a need to shift. I had to first question if it was just because staying committed to writing was “hard” or if I was getting bored and I just needed to push through it. But I think I have actually been feeling a call to pivot to something with a different purpose, more aligned with who I am more presently. I think my idea for this blog up until this point was based on a version of myself that was very much wandering into the unknown and thinking on a bigger more existential plane. And also, being quite serious about it. But that isn’t really where I’m at these days. I’m still figuring out what it might mean to pivot with my writing and the direction of this blog; I’ve tried some different things to try to find the playfulness or aliveness I seek, and now here’s another attempt: As someone who is more a feeler and doer than auditory/verbal, perhaps my writing could outline more of the ways in which I’m explicitly embodying liberation. I could more concisely share my own lived examples, resources, quotes, inspiration, etc. Maybe I can write more through the lens of my gifts, and towards folks who are maybe looking for more concrete examples. Recently I have really been ruminating on how I can better exemplify and outwardly showcase liberated movement. How can I get “louder” in my action (while still staying true to me). I think the world is calling for more explicit bold action - clear(er) direction, without falling into a colonizer mindset that there’s a singular linear path here. And I think part of the point of growing internally, is to at some point pause and integrate that growth into external action, share knowledge and experience. I’ve been doing this, but still in a small way that’s lacking conviction. The truth is I know I’ve got some magic sauce, and I need to share it, if only by being more confident in my actions and choices. Once again, my way is not the right way or the only way. It is MY way; it is ONE way. It is ever-changing and unfolding in new and different ways at any given moment. My way isn’t possible for everyone or perhaps anyone. It’s just an example, it’s simply me.
So much of my journey with liberation has involved energetics, intuition, spirituality, and what would probably come off as cliches. Understanding those simple lessons and revelations that are a result of big bold messy normal human shit. My journey of liberation I think will always come with tremendous amounts of reflection and ambiguity which I’m sure I’ll continue to throw out here. But in an attempt to pivot into something more present-moment-thinking and action-oriented, here’s a list of 5 random liberating things that I’ve been exploring lately on the more concrete side:
Not wearing a bra when running… It was nuts. I’ve started to run again (after practically swearing I never would again) and one day I accidentally went out running without a bra. I’ve been wearing a bra as little as possible in general because my ultimate dream in life is to be as physically free as possible and to be as naked as possible. So, the other day I went out to run (which is more like a shuffle at the moment) and realized I had no bra on out of habit. But I ended up running longer and faster than usual. Hmm, I wonder if my sports bra is too restricting, not allowing me to fucking breathe?? #fuckpatriarchy and also, going braless is obviously not comfortable for everyone, physically. You do you, this isn’t an instruction manual.
Permission to not force myself to engage when in social situations. I can stand in the corner, sit peacefully by myself, feel out the vibes, stay in my body, be in community, and only interact with humans and activities I feel called to connect with. And in that way, I have the best time.
Making playful TikTok videos just for fun, not expecting followers or likes. My (leo rising/sag sun) craving for attention, for material things, for a little bit of beauty and pettiness is creeping in and I’m kind of okay with letting it. Too long have I settled for less and been in the quiet frozen trauma-response don’t ruffle feathers and be a non-threatening brown savior mode. TikTok, amongst other things, feels like a space where I could play with my “showier” side. And the added practice of doing it only when and how I feel like doing it (not pressured to “create content” and gain followers) feels good.
I’ve started playing a new game where I don’t charge my phone at all during the day. It’s at 100% at the start of the day and that’s all I got. This makes me more strategic about how much I’m on my phone aka reduces my screentime. I have to be careful that it doesn’t trigger me into scarcity mindset in a bad way, but it’s yet another practice of detachment from consumption, convenience (being more mindful of resources), and not turning to my phone as a distraction or way to check out of real life.
I “accidentally” cut off all my hair and it’s now the shortest it’s ever been in my adult life. (I cried a little inside and had a minor panic attack). As my sister-in-law so graciously said it’s giving “Halle Berry” (like Bond girl era), and I’m trying to run with that. Not to be Halle Berry bond girl, because that’s a delusion, but Alexa Bond girl vibes, perhaps? It’s actually made me pause and explore yet another layer of my own beauty and gender norms. Perhaps it’s the letting go of inches that probably carried significant energetic weight, but I’m also feeling freer and more focused on my health and physical strength as a result. There’s less to hide behind. (I’m pretty sure there are whole books about hair + colonization). Now it’s time to release the actual physical weight I’ve held onto to hide from the world. Girl, bye.
In summary this list is giving - shedding the weight (in all forms) and stepping into the spotlight, exposed on my own terms, regardless of societal norms.
Until next time…
Stéphane Hessel (1917-2013), former member of the French Resistance during WW2 recommended the following to the new generations: “It's enough to have a solid, active minority. They don't need to be the majority; they just need to be the yeast that makes the dough rise.”